Time has changed and people do change. Regardless how many times I indulged myself in the fond memories of the past, I have to admit that I have changed too. But try as I might, I just cannot figure out is what I am now the real me, or is this just one of the many temporary roles of time that I have evolved into?
I always thought I would remain the kid I was. Perhaps until now, I am still the little girl that many people still think I am. Maybe I have not actually changed that much. I always think what a horror it would be if I grown out of that silly little girl that most people have comfortably knew and accepted? What else would I be then? I could not imagine. But unevitably, looking at the younger ones around me, there comes a realization that I seemed to have grown up... It is an avoidable process. I really can't help but moan about the brutality of aging.
Maybe I am not all mature and everything else. There are still many blanks in about my life that I am unsure about. I could still be lacking intellectually. Maybe I am still deficient of the kind of "know-what-know-how" mentality fit for my age. But undoubtedly, I do think alot more than I used to. Many concepts have changed with time, and though an unchanged extremely dense dreamer, I do conjure less silly blunders than before.
Viewing things differently kind of scares me now. Planning too much because of that is another brain-killing chore. I would loved to think that most issues are as simple as I used to assume they were. I would loved being contentedly naive. I hate it now that I have to dissect and anaylze every situation like an adult. I absolutely hate guessing for motives.
For example, I used to complain alot about being taken for granted by friends and such. I totally hate how some people will turn to me only when they needed free labor, and then disappear for the remaining 364 days. I cannot deny that in many such situations, I opened the doors with my own hands and let the damn wolf in. People only do that because they know this dummy would help.
Age has allowed me to speculate things pretty differently now and hence, hopefully react to them more sensibly. Or so I thought... I do "try" my best to avoid being over-helpful now. Or rather, "tried" would be a more appropriate word. It is extremely frustrating now that my brain and heart cant seems to coordinate. While I constantly remind myself to guard against these scheming people, I also enormously resents not being an naively-nice person anymore. So who else can I blame but myself again and again? On the brighter side, it undoubtedly good that I am now fully aware when I am being taken for granted, and acknowledge that I am just another very silly creature waiting on the butcher's table. Yet somehow, I'd rather I was as stupid as before. Not knowing is always the best deal.
A very concerned friend once commented rather annoyingly that I'm always being "bullied", simply because I allowed myself to be. Harsh but kind of true, I guess. Some people might tell me it is a good trait, adding on some pleasing words that I am nice, blah blah blah... But at the end of the day, we all know what this means, isn't it? No one will reject free meals, and it is a miserable fact that everyone just expect it one after another.
