With the course work getting tougher, concepts getting beyond my level, I really feel my tiny brain capacity has been totally maxed out.
Sorry, I'm just too stupid for anything. I am just not cut out for chem. engineering. Stupid stupid STUPID.
Can someone just kill me, so I can end this utter misery? No, wait.... My life is way too precious. Someone please set fire to the university instead. I really can't do this anymore. =(
I think I can be much happier without this.
4:26 PM
Saturday, October 04, 2008
With so much friends around me getting married, I thought I had gradually come into more "friendly" terms with the word "marriage". I started joining in conversations about weddings, and I have somehow have developed some sort of interest in looking at others' wedding portraits and videos.
Not that I'm now desperate to get wedded, its just I'm less anti-marriage compared to before. Well, I guess what must come will come, somday, somehow. Afterall, we are of age.
But when someone casually mentioned about balloting for a flat today, I realised how unprepared I still am. I literally PANICKED. =(
All the mathematics just started running in my head. Its not just about money, its about time as well. There's still so much things that I want to do. The whole idea of having more commitments is just crushing, I don't think I can cope with that. It sounds crude but I'm not ready to sacrifice any of my dreams for this, neither is it fair for my partner to do so.
People always tell me that we should just take the first step and the rest would fall in naturally. I guess I'm just not the kind of person who can go into a situation this major, without doing her mathematics and detailed planning. I will flipped out! I am just not that romance-crazed.
I don't know how many times I've said this, but any guy who is willing to propose to me really got to have his proposal in writing ready, with all the minor details and clauses stated. I know reality is never like an ideal case on paper but I really need to "see" what I'm putting myself through and what the future might hold, in order put my commitment in.
I mean, you go to the market, you pick up an apple and you pinch on it, you are convinced that you have gotten the best apple, but you'll never know if there's a worm beneath that rosy red until you have taken your bite into it. And that's really too late. Life is not a gamble, its a trillion times more unpredictable that than apple-shopping, and there's only one chance in life. You can't blame me for being paranoid with my happiness at stake.
